Conscious Conception and Root Beer

What is conscious conception? It is the intent behind each love making experience that expresses energy in creator-ship. Where was my mind? I am a creator and my energies into love making are not for my own selfish pleasure. Within each breath I am forming a creation of the Multiverse. I am a holy being made of love, by love and I shall, in it's likeness, do the same. What could that look like and how can I manifest this pure, creative intent? Without literally walking you through the experience, this is the best description I could offer. I did this with Anwyn and I feel so pleased with myself that I brought the level of awareness that much closer to God Force.
Now a bump was forming. I was quite tired and so took greater sleeps in my lovely painted green bedroom. I would awaken every morning and turn to see my fertility Goddess up on the wall. Her big bellied influence certainly impacted my consciousness, now didn't it?!
I developed morning sickness which lasted several months. Jay would brew this heavy ginger decoction and I would bring liters of it to work, sipping through out the shift to quell my all-day 'morning' sickness. I also ate candied ginger when called for. I took vitamin B6, which didn't seem to make any difference for me. The funny thing that worked? Root beer. Soda pop was something I normally would not ingest very often. I tried to keep it modest because of the sugar levels and the caramel colouring and always drank caffeine free and a natural brand. One would think that ginger-ale would have helped. Not a bit. A colleague mentioned that somehow the nausea was related to glucose levels in the blood so this is why the root beer would have worked. If that were the case however, the ginger-ale has just as much sugar so it should have been sufficient. Something about that root beer. Good thing I didn't need a lot for it to work and good thing I had it or I wouldn't have been able to work at all.

After a few months, the root beer lost it's magic and unsure about what to do, I called Employment Insurance and asked them what on earth I could do to speed up my days until I could go on maternity leave. The very kind man on the line said that I could get a note from my midwife and go on sick leave! Brilliant! It meant a pay cut however I could focus more on my health and feeling well again. I applied without hesitation.

The Healing Crisis

I could never have an abortion. I just couldn't do it. I have trouble enough killing flies or ants or mosquitoes. When I do take the life of anything, I say the Medicine Buddha mantra that I memorized back in my days I was a practicing Buddhist and vegan. So once I had realized this fetus was stable and was growing, I knew it was time to get preparing, and I had big plans to make.
Unfortunately, my own family and I were estranged during this time. The last time I remember talking to my father on the phone, his words ringing through me like I was just struck by a gong, that he was not interested in speaking to me for a while, whatever that meant. I understand him being upset, after all he did invest in me, my schooling and career, however what I didn't understand was why he wouldn't work with me so I could stay in honour with him and work out ways to properly address repaying him and at least assisting him and the family in some way. To banish me? That seemed ridiculous as my father and I had always been close, or so I thought. My mother and I, on the other hand, always had tension and challenges and I did not want my world to reflect that stress. She resisted my help and denied her anger, addictions and lack of affection. I love her enough not to enable that so I had to walk away. Maybe some people expect daughters to put up with the dysfunctional family 'unit', but what I had learned as a healer was that tough love sometimes must be applied to allow the 'healing crisis' to occur. It's one of the fundamentals of Vitalism. I was always the mediator, the one who placated, the scape goat, the go between. Well now I couldn't do this role, this time it was actually about me, I was the one needing true support, and my family? They just weren't there for me.
After I had the miscarriage, Jason and I moved from the loft to a house near Avenue and Lawrence in Toronto so I could be within bicycle distance to my new place of work, Smith's Pharmacy. This was the house we conceived in. Due to the 'take down' at King Summit, the 6000 square foot custom home my ex and I were renting-to-own in King City, I was unable to practice as a naturopathic doctor, something that took me 8 years of hard work to attain (because one needs an undergrad degree, ideally in science, to qualify for the program). So here I was with a Bachelor of Science in Agricultural Biotechnology, an ND diploma, and a plethora of other certificates and training including extra homeopathy credits, Usui Reiki, Angelic Reiki, and other energy healing modalities, now working as a clerk, pregnant, stocking shelves for minimum wage. Humbling to say the least. At least I could help clients on the floor with their health concerns and keep my knowledge base fresh and active.
For the first time since the chaos, I felt almost good again, hopeful, I was able to earn even though we were still struggling financially as Jason was on and off of work as a welder and our rent and overhead was quite high. We were the working poor, essentially, but there were some happy times, interspersed with the hard times.
What mattered to me is that I was eating well, mainly raw, lots of organic foods and sprouting. Strange for me were the meat cravings and so I ate quite a bit. I recalled a former colleague and "frenemy" (someone who pretends to be your friend while secretly plotting something nasty) who had a ghastly and horrific birth story. She was a long-time vegan and she developed severe pre-eclampsia. She told me when her placenta was born it virtually crumbled in the doctor's hands. After that story I did some research and learned that pre-ecplampsia can be prevented via ample levels of amino acids aka protein in the diet. I ate plenty of it. One of the most helpful books I read during this time was "Real Food for Mother and Baby" by Nina Planck. It made much sense to me and was welcome direction on the topic of healthy food for my growing bump.
I was also supplementing. I was taking my DHA for the baby's brain by Ascenta, my B12 and folic acid supplement from Kirkman and a good multivitamin. I was also taking MSM for good connective tissue development, calcium and magnesium at bedtime, my enzymes and a probiotic. I was exercising on my bicycle every day and I was planning, dreaming and knowing a big shift was on it's way. Little did I know how big that shift would really be.

A Perfect Conception

How to begin?
Just begin.
The story continues...it has no real beginning or end, just loops and dances so you might as well get your feet wet somewhere along the river.
I am having a baby. Me. The activist, the busy-bee type A, the read-10-books-at-a-time medicine woman, the artist, the rabble rouser, the spiritual knowledge seeker. Me.
Interesting. Amazing!
Back track to the previous year. I had everything going for me, or thought I did. A budding career in naturopathic medicine, a huge holistic center, a great partner, a supportive family, true friends. And here I am, pee on my fingers and a stick that tells me I am pregnant in the washroom of the loft I settled into to deal with the mess of my fallen apart life (more on that later).
Okay, breathe.
At 6 weeks, I miscarried. I remember us hugging and crying together once we realized it was really happening. I remember looking at the little embryo that I caught as it was coming out of me. It was a strange experience. I practiced my spiritual work of non-attachment, having had the teaching about perfect lives. A fetus is conceived, born and then dies. A supreme karmic balancing experience. I felt honoured to host that for some soul to experience.
In March, after moving to a new house and starting a new job, I conceived again. This time she was consciously conceived. I felt my life was becoming more stable, even though I had no family to talk with anymore, after my personal Armageddon. I had read "The Ringing Cedars of Russia" book series and thus understood how important conceiving consciously really was. Also, I had been eating very clean food, alive and as organic as possible. I had quit coffee many months before. I felt this baby was here to stay.